


falling

by chensung



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Suicide, donghyuck and mark are mentioned a few times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-05
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-12-24 06:04:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12006621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chensung/pseuds/chensung
Summary: Jeno was falling. Is this what love is?





	falling

_Jeno is falling._

 

He’s been falling ever since he met Renjun. When he first laid eyes on the tall awkward boy with mysterious eyes and the loveliest smile. Jeno doesn’t believe in love at first sight, no, he didn’t believe in love at first sight, not until he saw Renjun. The day still plays in his head so clearly, meeting Renjun for the first time.

 

Walking down the school hallway, Jeno felt eyes following him but he chose to ignore it. Though the thought of which idiotic rumour is spreading through the school runs through his head, every new one that comes up always surprises him more than the last one. Transferring to a new school in the middle of the school year does not go unnoticed, especially when you’re from a school that doesn’t have the best reputation.

 

It seemed like Jeno had a huge sign above his head, something signalling other students to avoid him, something that he cannot read or decipher. It’s not like he minded that much anyway, he’d prefer to focus on his school studies than get caught up in the crowds.

 

Hearing the bell above his head ring, Jeno let out a sigh, his class was on the opposite side of the building. Most of the students had quickly rushed their way to their classes. One had bumped into Jeno’s shoulder and turned with a look of fear on his face, mumbling fast apologies and bowing profusely. Jeno just rolled his eyes at the actions of the higher classman and continued his walk down the hall. He almost wanted to skip the rest of classes that day but ultimately decided against it, arguing with himself the entire way to his classroom.

 

10 minutes late, Jeno found himself standing outside the door of his 6th-period history room. Mentally preparing himself to be scolded at by the teacher, he gripped the door handle and opened the door.

 

A boy stood on the opposite side, a shocked expression on his face with his hand gently holding the handle. Taking in the view, the stranger was probably going to push the door open when Jeno had pulled it, resulting in him dangerously close to his own body.

 

The classroom had gone quiet, staring at the boy with red hair who was nearly pressed against Jeno, staring as if Jeno would break, yell, do _something_ out of the lines. Except he didn’t, Jeno just stood and watched the confused boy, slightly admiring the way a pink blush had formed on his cheeks.

 

“I’m really sorry, I didn’t know you were there.” The red haired boy quietly said like it was something only Jeno was meant to hear and he took a couple steps back. Jeno noticed the way he slightly shifted on his feet and the way he played with the string on his black sweater —that was too large on the other’s small frame— he decided that this boy was cute.

 

A small moment that felt like hours was barely one minute and the teacher had cleared his throat. “Jeno, you’re late.”

 

“So I’ve noticed.” Jeno nodded casually.

 

“Show Renjun to the office and I’ll only give you one detention this time.” Mr Moon waved his hand in dismissal. Anything the teacher said was final and it’d be useless to argue with him, Jeno learned that the hard way.

 

Again, Jeno nodded. He assumed that the boy with red hair was Renjun, so the beautiful boy had a beautiful name. Renjun stood still awkwardly, staring at the ground. If it were anyone else, Jeno would’ve found it aggravating but with Renjun, it was oddly adorable.

 

Letting out a huff, Jeno narrowed his eyes and reached for Renjun’s arm. As he did, the entire class looked like they leaned forward, maybe expecting him to pull him out aggressively, but instead, Jeno gently tugged on the boy’s sweater. Once he had Renjun’s attention, Jeno gestured at the door and whispered a small “Let’s go”

 

When Jeno was guiding Renjun to the office, he learned that Renjun rambles a lot, he stumbles over his words and often repeats things but regardless, still enjoys talking. Renjun talked about his old school, explaining why he transferred, it was a strange story that Jeno only got to hear half of because they made it at the office. He made the boy promise to tell him the rest during lunch hour, Renjun nodded excitedly and hugged him, a small thank you slipped past his lips and he entered the office. Jeno felt things he’d never felt before with Renjun, a small tug at his heart whenever Renjun would shake his head after messing up a word, the way his heart skipped a beat when Renjun’s Chinese pronunciation would slip, Huang Renjun was messing with his head when they met not even 5 minutes ago.

 

_Jeno was still falling._

 

He found himself getting more attached and intrigued with Renjun, every little habit and quirk the older had, Jeno found himself noticing them. Jeno was even noticing things that Renjun himself didn’t even know, like how he bit the inside of his cheek whenever he felt uncomfortable, or how he mouthed the words whenever he was reading a book.

 

It didn’t take very long for the school to catch up on Renjun and Jeno’s new found friendship, there were whispers as they walked down the hall with shoulders bumping and sweet smiles. Jeno noticed the stares and whispers but he also noticed how caught up in happiness Renjun was to not care at all, is that what he needed to do to be happy?

 

At one point, someone in their class had tried to “warn” Renjun of Jeno, informing the boy of the rumours and “past” of Jeno. Renjun just laughed and told Donghyuck he was wrong about him, that Jeno was actually sweeter than he appears. Hearing that made Jeno feel better, knowing that someone wouldn’t believe in those ridiculous rumours and doesn’t think of him so lowly.

 

“Donghyuck told me the new rumour today,” Renjun casually said out of the blue, he picked a single grape and tossed it into his mouth. “Apparently you were sent to a delinquent centre for accidentally killing a dog.”

 

Jeno snorted, every few weeks the next rumour is more stupid than the last. “Where do they even get these ideas? Is it because I’m a cat person?” Jeno shook his head which lay on Renjun’s lap.

 

“I’m just wondering how you accidentally kill a dog.” Renjun tilted his head as his fingers ran through Jeno’s hair.

 

“Who in their right state of mind would _intentionally_ kill a dog?” Jeno gasped. He threw a grape at Renjun with a slight scowl on his face.

 

“Good point. Wait, what’s with these rumours and animals? Didn’t you supposedly punch a shark as well? These kids are weird.” Renjun sighed.

 

“Weird, yes, but creative.”

 

Silence fell. Well, if silence included Renjun humming the tune of an unknown song and other students yelling in the distance. Lunch hours usually consisted of Jeno and Renjun sitting in the far corner of the school field, they only had 1 class together so they enjoyed this time they had with each other.

 

“Do you think you could help me dye my hair?” Jeno asked, his green highlights had long ago faded and he was getting tired of his black hair.

 

“What, now?”

 

“Like, _now_ now?”

 

“You want to skip our afternoon classes to dye your hair?”

 

“You’re the one who implied it but sure.” He sat up and look Renjun in the eyes, slightly shrugging. “I have some money in my bag and we can do it at Taeyong hyung’s place.”

 

A look of doubt was on Renjun’s face but it was replaced with a smile, “Let’s go then.”

 

_How long would Jeno continue to fall?_

 

A memory flashes through Jeno’s mind.

 

He was sat on the edge of the ledge, the autumn breeze pressed against his face and blew his newly dyed pastel blue hair. His legs dangled diligently over the edge, he was 5 stories above ground and he found himself wondering if this fall was enough to end his life. Jeno wasn’t one to fear death, he knew it had to happen some day but for some odd reason, he’d much prefer if it happens sooner than later.

 

Too lost in his own thoughts, staring at the ground below him, Jeno didn’t hear the footsteps approaching behind him. He only noticed when Renjun placed his arms on the ledge and stared down at the ground beside him.

 

“It’s so easy to die, you realize that?” Renjun whispered. “Some people really take their life for granted and end it when it isn’t their time.” He pressed his lips together, another habit Jeno noticed, it was what he did when he felt upset.

 

“Some people have good reasons to.”

 

“For every reason to leave, there must be one to stay.” Renjun placed his hand on top of Jeno’s and curled his fingers around it tightly.

 

 _You’re my one reason to stay._ Jeno wanted to say. But he didn’t. That sentence was a lost thought wondering his mind, a sentence hanging in the air, unbothered and unspoken. Instead, Jeno asked, “How did you know I was up here?”

 

“Donghyuck told me that Mark saw you sitting here from his math class.” While he spoke, Renjun jumped on top of the ledge and sat beside Jeno. “I already knew you come here sometimes. I just decided to join you today.” Renjun knew all of Jeno’s hiding spots.

 

In Jeno’s mind, this would’ve been the perfect moment to express how he feels towards Renjun, to let his feelings spill out of his mouth, it was almost like this setting was specifically made for that. As he was mustering up the courage to say 3 simple words, doubt began to fog his mind. Would he really be able to give up this wonderful friendship?

 

Jeno wished he took that opportunity, out of all the times he had said “fuck you” to his fears, why couldn’t he do it then?

 

_Falling. Falling. Why is Jeno still falling._

 

Jeno and Renjun were opposites. Even their hair colours seemed to say that. Renjun’s red hair, Jeno’s blue hair. Red was associated with love, passion, courage and determination, everything that Renjun was. Blue was associated with freedom, confidence and sadness, the things that Jeno was. It was highly noticeable how different the two were, Renjun enjoyed arts while Jeno preferred more stable things like math and science.

 

But opposites attract, didn’t they?

 

Even though the two had picked up on each other’s personality habits and interests, Jeno and Renjun were two different people. While Renjun would sit on his bed reading his school work books, Jeno would lie on the floor reading a comic book. When Jeno would dance across the dance studio, Renjun was in the corner writing lyrics for songs that were for his and Jeno’s eyes only. Whenever Renjun was mindlessly doodling in his sketchbook, Jeno would most likely be scrolling on his phone.

 

Jeno adored Renjun. No matter what he was doing, it always made his heart flip and race, make him feel smiley and happy. Everything he did was so effortlessly beautiful, Jeno couldn’t help but take candids of Renjun and admire how pretty he looks doing the most simple things. He found that Renjun looks the most peaceful when he was half asleep, his mind occupied with the topic at hand but still so calm.

 

Each time Renjun would doze off would pull the strings in Jeno’s heart, give him a sudden urge to hug and protect the boy from every bad thing in the world. Seeing the way Renjun’s head would slightly tilt and his eyes flutter shut, how his movements would slow and become more delicate.

 

The first time Jeno found himself admiring Renjun in his sleeping state, he felt creepy. Watching the boy lying beside him on the grass while his mind drifted off. Jeno thought about waking him up but decided not to since Renjun took 2 tests before the school day was over, so he sat up and carefully placed the sleeping boy’s head in his lap.

 

_Jeno had fell._

 

“I love you, Renjun.” A small whisper echoed through the empty church.

 

It’s been 3 years since they first met, almost to the exact day. 3 years and Jeno repressed his feelings for Renjun into a bottle and threw it at sea but it always came floating back to his feet.

 

“I’m sorry I never had the courage to tell you.” Jeno spoke, tears falling down his face as he kneeled in front of the empty space where Renjun’s casket once was. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice what was happening.”

 

_When Jeno was falling, things went unnoticed._

 

Renjun was often late to school, they used to take the same bus route every morning. Jeno always got on first and went a few stops until Renjun got on but then it stopped happening. Renjun just passed it off as him getting rides from his father every morning, but he was barely on time whenever Jeno would sit outside the front doors and wait for his arrival.

 

Renjun had also began taking naps during their lunches, sleeping on Jeno’s shoulder after complaining about the loud noises going on in his house. When Jeno asked about the noises, he just told him that they got new neighbours who were very loud but whenever Jeno came over to his place, they were quiet. Donghyuck had once even asked Jeno if Renjun was okay because the older was falling asleep during their classes. Jeno assumed that he was stressed about tests and told Donghyuck he was okay.

 

And then Renjun was cancelling their plans together, becoming more quiet during their conversations, wearing sweaters which were never really his thing in the first place, drawing less. When Jeno asked Donghyuck about the sudden change in Renjun’s behaviour (Because who else could he ask?) Donghyuck gave a half-assed answer of “Puberty, man. People change. Mark’s calling me, I gotta go.”

 

_When Jeno was falling, Renjun was breaking._

 

Staring at the carpet in front of him, Jeno took shaky deep breathes. He managed to make it through the funeral and burial without crying, he did not want to cry now. “Renjun, I’m really fucking sorry.” A small sob slipped out of his lips.

 

One sob turned into Jeno completely breaking down, crying his heart out to the empty church, in front of the forgotten framed photo of Renjun and him on one of their “not-dates” at a carnival. Tears ran down Jeno’s face and it got harder to breathe as minutes passed, small mumbles coming out in hurried whispers through his crying could be heard.

 

“What happened to having a reason to stay when you had one to leave?” Jeno asked bitterly through his hiccups and tears. “How could you leave me like that?” He sniffled and roughly wiped his eyes with the back of his dress shirt sleeve.

 

The memory of seeing Renjun lying on his bathroom floor, lifeless and cold kept replaying in his head. The feeling of sheer panic and fear rushing through his veins was unlike anything he’s ever felt before, feeling all the hope drain out of him when he picked up the unconscious body into his arms, it’s something Jeno never thought he’d have to deal with, something he would never even wish apon his worst enemy. Screaming out to Renjun’s father, pulling at his own hair in stress and anxiously holding Renjun closely to him as they waited for the ambulance to show up.

 

Jeno thought about his walk to Renjun’s house, how he stopped at store to buy Renjun some chocolate for the hell of it, how there was an old man who took forever to collect his change. That day, he wanted to finally confess to Renjun, Jeno wanted to finally open his bottle of feelings he kept tossing away. He thought that maybe if he didn’t make that unnecessary stop, if he just went straight to Renjun’s house, that the boy would still be here.

 

Without another word or tear, Jeno stood up. For a second, he blankly stared at the photo of him and Renjun, wondering if he should take it with him or leave it. If he didn’t take it, who would? Jeno reached for the framed photo and picked it up, he just noticed how much his hands were shaking. Before he could think twice, Jeno slammed the photo onto the ground, making the glass shatter around his feet. Carefully, Jeno bent over and pulled the photo out of the mess, having a sudden urge to rip it up. Instead he took a deep breath and folded it before placing it into his pocket and making his way to the church’s front doors.

 

Jeno’s hand gripped the letter in his pocket, folded carefully into a small pink envelope. _Renjun’s suicide letter written to Jeno._ He didn’t want to open it, didn’t want to read it because that would make Renjun’s death seem that more real. Even though all the questions he had would be answered on that piece of paper, Jeno didn’t want to open it. But Renjun would understand, Jeno would read it when he’s ready.

 

“Let’s go.” Jeno whispered, recalling the first words he said to Renjun.

 

_“Let’s go.”_

**Author's Note:**

> ha i don't know what this mess is soz but comments make me happy :)


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